Day 20: Find Strength in Inhaling, Find Solace in Exhaling, Find Focus in Your Gaze.

My sleep pattern is really crazy. Just all over the place. Some nights, I crawl into bed and hug my comforter, cozying up to imminent sleep; slowing my breath, just as I would in class; focusing on long, smooth exhales; blurring my gaze; holding onto nothing; accepting memories as they pass; clips on a motion picture recap of my day, week, year, my past loves and summer-long excursions. My life, in the order my brain reveals it to the screen of my drooping eyelids. These nights are great. It's a nice send off to dreams-ville. Party of 1...and the infinite people that inhabit whatever world I end up on. Win.

Then there are the nights where my eyes are heavy, but my brain is inundated with thoughts. Perplexed. Or just unwilling to admit that sleep is what I need, not distraction. I aimlessly wander from website to website, looking up various recipes or some new-age health phenomenon. My brain welcomes the preoccupation with anything that can fill space. I refuse, fully, to surrender to what I need: sleep. Why? I'm still pondering that one. It seems illogical to refuse such a natural cycle; a ritual of restoration. But I do. I fight the urge. Refuse. Say no, I'm staying up. I'm not ready yet. I have time. More time. There's time. I'll stare up, focusing on the various imperfections in the painted ceiling. I notice the bubbles, cracks. My feet spread on the bed as my body lies in a faux-savasana like state. These are the nights that I need to reconnect to my breath. Breathing. Slow and steady. It's mine; I own it, control it, regulate it; can always come back to it. Breath. Just breathe. I'm starting to understand this more. It's a progression. Yes, yes, yes. Just like yoga practice. No end goal, just movement - forward, back. All leads to growth, as long as I can remember to breathe.

Class: Hot 90
Instructor: Brandon, who directs with a sexy, raspy, porno voice. awesome.
Studio: Open Door
Wins: Continuous breathing-long, strong inhale leading straight into a controlled and full exhale; hands-to-feet pose; half-tortoise; Good times at the Morning Times; Vega meal replacement shake an hour or so before practicing; Warm weather in Raleigh; Rob Brezny's horoscopes (I'm apparently a sex machine this week...and the next few. boom); sesame tofu with steamed broccoli, daikon, shitake mushrooms and a coconut-tamari sauce; my parents.

Fixed Firm: