No footing. Zero footing. I completely lack my footing. And it's really fucking me up. I keep slipping as I attempt to plant my feet firmly on the ground, any ground, to feel grounded. I'm not floating, more like perpetually slipping. My feet are wobbly; spastically flailing for a stable surface. groping. longing. hoping. The ground is just the idea of the ground. it lacks physical substance and real depth. the image of ground. and my feet are lost upon it. unable to grip. slipping quickly from one false notion to another hopeful image.
Yup. That's still how I feel. My life is just full of questions, too many unknowns, causing this intense feeling of uncertainty. Unsure of what to do, how to act, where to go, I cope with things I can grasp. Things that are physical, real, tangible. Simple levels of control. Yoga (movement). Food (comfort). Reading (distraction). Anything to keep my mind away from the ominous fog of uncertainty that fills the in-between times.
Pathetic Fallacy. Giving human traits to inanimate objects. When nature reflects the emotions in human interactions. A powerful thunderstorm booming in the background during a lover's quarrel. Or today, when I went to work and my chaotic emotions and uncertainty became the driving factors in all the equipment changing at random. Or chance occurrences stacking to produce a far worse outcome: ice machine lid dislodged, scissors breaking as I try to wedge it back onto its tracks, ice coffee overflowing in the sink and spilling into open ice machine...chaos. random actions that are unconnected, but in certain circumstances, create moments which build on each other. Machine breaks, coffee overflows, ice machine becomes ice coffee machine...fuck.
Breathing. again. back to breath. And choice. Remembering that I choose what I do each day, and how to react to situations I didn't choose. Choice. My breath and my choice. Calm, clear, fluid. That's what I need.
Class: Hot 90
Instructor: Jana
Studio: Open Door
Wins: Lavender towels.
Not Wins: Feeling bile rise in my throat during spine strengthening; feeling out of control; feeling irritated.
I love this post. How you describe the chaos and random actions of objects around you that reflect how you feel inside. It reminds me of days where I feel off balance emotionally and then as a result cannot balance on one leg in the room. Manifesting....
ReplyDeleteJust breathe....we are here for you/with you....